No guys, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but their has been quite a few release dates...
10 Reasons why GTA IV sucks | |
| James Francis - May 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm - 934 Views - 93 Comments |
The biggest game in forever has arrived and you’ve all been taken along for the ride. But not me. I think Rockstar has thrown the baby out with the handgun. Sure, there have been other lists similar to this one, but what we have here are ten definitive reasons why GTA IV is a terrible, terrible game. I’m no spring-chicken, either. I have done my GTA time. Okay, I played GTA a lot but never actually got anywhere. GTA 2 was a bit spec heavy. GTA 3 was awesome, but I had a sucky PC. In Vice City I got far enough to sell drugs and after spending hours not unlocking sh** in San Andreas, I downloaded a 100% save game and spent the rest of my time driving tanks though traffic. So clearly I am an experienced expert at all things Grand Theft Auto!
So listen up! Forget ‘broken’ cars or a combat system that actually makes the combat playable (thus ruining it for us ultra-hardcore players). Here is why GTA IV sucks:
Jesus, Paki, I DON’T LIKE YOUR SISTER
Dude, get over it. I’m a homicidal maniac, she’s a Catholic prude. It’s not gonna work and the fact that I haven’t called her since our second date(she wouldn’t put out) might be a sign I have moved on. Yeah, I spoke to her at the funeral. So what? I also spoke to the guy at the hot dog stand. Then I shot him. So tell your sis to back the f*** off.
Look, people, I have to work
I’m barely in town and I have a phone book full of whinging, whiny, unaccommodating ‘friends’. They bitch when I call at the wrong time (though they never bother to give me a real schedule or something), they bitch when I’m late (even though they expect me to get to them in an hour when they phoned me while I was across town going against peak hour traffic on a bridge) and they bitch when I don’t call them. Listen, people, I got to know you because you hired me to do nasty business for you. I’m busy with nasty business. I also want to tell my friends “Dude, you’re an asshole for calling me before [insert time here].” Sod off and go drink with one of my other needy friends. I’ll see you after the story.
I just shot 200 people, but I forgot to change my clothes for a date.
Jeesh, dates are picky. That’s why I don’t go on them. “You could have changed your clothes”, “You never call!”, “Your car is crap.” Sorry about that, my dear,but the BMW knock-off is currently lying on its roof and on fire in front of the cops. What, you thought the flashing lights following me was a police escort?
This is my rifle, this is my gun. So where’s my tank?
Okay, there might be a tank. I don’t know. But there had better be. I want to back it up across one of the narrow bridges. It’s also said there is no parachute. Then what’s the point of the tall buildings?! The suicide camera cut is nice, but gets tired. I want to float like a butterfly and snipe like an unemployed man and a boy hiding in a car. O, well, maybe I’ll find the jet pack soon. Then watch the cops chase me!
No Boeing for you
YOU CAN’T HIJACK A BOEING!!! Yes, it would be a pointless exercise. You would clear the map before you clear take-off. But this is GTA, so I wanna! I promise I won’t fly it into any buildings. Scouts honour. Not for the first ten minutes, at least…
FFS, people, INDICATE!
I asked someone who lived in New York if the drivers there a) never indicate and b) ignore any semblance of a car horn. Apparently this is the case. So hats off to Rockstar for the realism, but if another bastard changes lanes for no reason while I’m doing mach 5 down a narrow road, I’m killing him and everyone on the highway. At least now stealing a squad car has real value. But this is why I need a tank – to protect myself against the non-indicating masses.
Jimmy could kick Niko’s ass
This is actually a serious point. Rockstar has two games with awesome melee combat systems: The Warriors and Bully. Now Niko can be a nimble mofo, providing you can time that dodge move of his. I can’t, so all friendly contests of pugilism end with a shotgun in the face. My honour is hurting: I deserve to stomp the faces of my challengers like any red-blooded thug.
I ain’t digging the tweens, man
Either a lot of people playing GTA online have hormone problems or there are a lot of teens and tweens hanging around, playing the game. This is not on. It’s a MATURE game. That means I expect, when online, not to get my ass kicked by someone half my age. This is why I buy M-rated games. Not that it’s ever worked, but I have hope. Look, all I want is a placebo effect. When the game detects a kiddie voice coming over the comms, disguise it to sound like a hot Japanese schoolgirl. I don’t mind being beaten by a hot Japanese schoolgirl.
Nobody told me you could stab the lawyer
Seriously, do you people know how hard it was to shoot my way out of the lawyer building? Well, not really. It was actually easy (especially compared to the bank robbery). But if I stabbed the guy, I could have strolled out, bought a burger and get my car sans the bullet hole decor. Hellnooooo , I had to take out a grenade and blow him to kingdom come. For some reason that alerted EVERYONE. Here I thought high-class lawyers had sound-proof rooms for those sensitive crime boss conversations. Not True!
Where’s Lazlow?
You hear on the radio that he’s walking around. But I can’t find him. No screaming hot dog guy. No music video shoot. No woman with a panty-wearing husband. It feels like the REAL Liberty City is hidden right in front of me. Then again, maybe it’s best I don’t find Lazlow wandering in the city. I’d drive over him. I don’t want to – the radio show is awesome. But I would anyway, just because I can.
If Rockstar fixes these things then maybe, MAYBE, I’ll download a 100% file.
Random Posts
May 19, 2008
1:50 pm
yeah.. you got me with this one.. see ya.
May 19, 2008
2:06 pm
Romeo, Oh Romeo, where for art thou Romeo. *CRASH* Ju-li-et I am he-ere to save you, get down on the floo-er they are tru-ying to ki-eel you.
I’ll be back.
May 19, 2008
2:26 pm
:shock: you didn’t say something bad about stranglehold did you….. that is unacceptable…. easily my most enjoyed game last year..
Oh and reading these comments is awesome, I never knew you got a GTA fanclub…
May 19, 2008
2:27 pm
:roll: oh wow… someone missed the boat in a big way :roll:
May 19, 2008
3:56 pm
Okay, I’ll throw a real cat amongst the pigeons. While GTA4 has an amazing well crafted story, an amazing City and is a great cinematic experience…Crackdown, while totally without narrative and not as visually impressive, is a better game, ie has more engaging gameplay, and is more fun.
May 19, 2008
4:02 pm
It was a great game, but I still feel Crackdown’s mobility was jut a glorified take on what the character in San Andreas could do. If they took things a little further, such as allowing you to shoot while hanging from a ledge, I’d have been happier.
O, an also only two-player co-op. The game needed four!
May 19, 2008
4:41 pm
Multiplayer in Crackdown could have been awesome. Imagine 4v4 capture the flag in Crackdown! I can’t comment on SA I’m afraid, I come to GTA as a noob at #4, I just never go into the others. :oops:
May 19, 2008
4:53 pm
This game Is AWESOME….
Well it was for the 1st 15 hours
then it gets boring, repetitive and there are no fun cheats
May 19, 2008
5:44 pm
The only thing that’s making “late game” less fun for me is that RPG rounds are so expensive…. :razz:
May 19, 2008
11:35 pm
fighting is easy unless you get ganged up on by more than 3 people
if ur sick of phone calls put ur phone on sleep mode
in my opinion ur list is bullshit there is many more real problems with the game such as
you cant buy property or invest your money into anything worthwhile, this was my biggest problem, niko has no ambition, hes content being a wheelman forever? where the fuck is the mansion they talk about? why cant i take over romans cab business, or buy the fair ground on the boardwalk?
there is a serious lack of weapons compared to the others, i was looking forward to runnin down the street with a samurai sword decapitating people or the always reliable chainsaw
so many things they had in the other games they left out of this one for some reason?
still a fun game
May 20, 2008
2:00 am
It’s like an international convention of morons in here.
May 20, 2008
3:46 am
Wow. I just read through all the posts on N4G and some people seriously have issues…
I don’t understand how people firstly don’t understand James’ intent and secondly, go batshit crazy.
I think we should add a banner on the top of articles like these that say ” literacy required” and then add a sound clip that will read it out load for all the people that like to complain without actually reading anything properly…
May 20, 2008
4:00 am
it is true.
May 20, 2008
8:49 am
Wow, there are a couple of people posting here that the politicians would dearly love to point out as not being able
to know the difference between fiction and reality. Would make a great case for their “Video games causes violence” campaign.
Morons!
May 20, 2008
12:18 pm
Heh heh, you just need to add a spelling check for “colour centre” ;)
doobiwan’s last blog post..The Games that made the consoles
May 20, 2008
3:48 pm
Theyre not reasons, theyre opinions.
I tell you, thats the worst thing about the internet… people confuse their own opinion for fact and then try and convince everyone else it’s fact.
May 20, 2008
5:17 pm
And the fact that people who don’t understand satire are satirical themselves, is quite hysterical.
doobiwan’s last blog post..The Games that made the consoles
May 21, 2008
5:23 am
You forgot the number one reason GTA4 sucks, I havent got a decent nights sleep in over a week!
I actually didnt mind shooting my way out of the Lawyers office, infact I wasted everyone in there with extreme prejudice and reloaded the game to do it again and again and… :)
Heh and forget about people not signaling, how about those right turns from the left lane, good lesson there about passing on the inside lane though.
I do miss the parachute, so many great base jumping spots in Liberty.
October 14, 2008
7:33 pm
CVVCCVXCVVVCVV
October 18, 2008
1:58 am
becuz u r gay
October 18, 2008
1:58 am
u got that right
October 18, 2008
1:58 am
yep this guy is so totally right
October 18, 2008
1:59 am
not
October 18, 2008
2:00 am
stop being racist u fuckwit
October 18, 2008
2:00 am
u r gay
October 18, 2008
2:01 am
im with this guy GTA rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!gta game sucks shit
October 18, 2008
2:01 am
whoops
October 18, 2008
2:02 am
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
November 30, 2008
4:09 pm
dude, downloading a 100% save doesn’t make you an expert on GTA (unless you were being sarcastic)
I agree with you on everything else though, packie’s sister is ugly as shit
December 8, 2008
4:47 am
Next time you are about to press the ‘Say it!’ button, read your comment aloud, and listen to every word you are saying.
That’s right, you’re an imbecile!
December 8, 2008
4:51 am
And exactly how is that racist again?
December 8, 2008
4:53 am
His list is indeed bullshit, ofcourse it is, it’s ment to be funny.
Anyway i have to agree with you. After you’re finished with Gta you’re running around stinkin’ rich and you have nothing to do with all that cash other then buying weapons really.
They should have done the same as in GTA VC Stories, where you can buy property to make even more money.
Still a great game though
December 8, 2008
4:55 am
(he was being sarcastic)
February 27, 2009
6:21 am
GTA IV Cops are biggest problems I have.
Some missions are ruined by those stinkin’ cops.
Even going out for a Sunday drive.
I like snagging a bus, armored truck or something big and happily drive and plow through traffic and over people is fun for a while then cops show up and ruin my swath of joyjoy-destruction.:angry:
Driving MACH 5, then clipping into somebody and rolling my ride several times over while on a date is f’ing fantastic! Its after the fun, the red glowing orb of light appears and every regular person changes into Agent Smith to come after my ass.
I dont mind dates, in fact Kiki is my favorite, wouldnt that would be cool if she went totally pyscho and there was a mission where she would try to kill me and one of my other dates. It would end if I shoot her via excution style or Kiki lives and shoots my date excution style..that’d be awesome. But then I bet after that mission, friggin cops show up in a six star level and I would have to hurry and get to my hidey-hole..:ninja:
March 3, 2009
7:53 pm
not impossible
May 13, 2009
10:56 pm
so technically what ur saying is cuz gta iv is more realistic its bad?
July 20, 2009
3:04 pm
Nice little article, but you’ve missed some MAJOR problems as well. Like an incomplete story, same shitty sows whatever club u go to (unlike GTA:VCS where u can pay to see Phil Collins in concert, where was that in GTAIV?) And so many more things that should have been in there but I dont have time to get into. GTA Vice city and San Andreas are better games!!
September 26, 2009
10:41 pm
That is because the tweens do not understand sarcasm.(no offense intended to players of a certain age group…just the little bitchy ones)
They should stop playing M rated games and read a book.
September 26, 2009
10:56 pm
If I’m running down the street and accidently bump into you and you say something stupid I will shoot you.
The comments NPC’s make are too repetitive.
The melee combat is so unresponsive and slow. I got my ass handed to me trying to melee ol’ fashion style fistcuffs …from now on I kill everyone!
September 26, 2009
10:57 pm
… but I’m still playing
October 1, 2009
3:21 pm
I find it extremely hilarious that a good 85% of people on this post have no idea that the author is making a joke…it makes mi laugh more when they get pissed and try to flame him because they dont get it…
and those problems on gta bug mi as well
i mean really, Im going 90 down a bridge in on a freeway then some jerka** pulls out infront of mi & skyrockets mi through the air. It always happens after I get all the weapons i want too. 
November 8, 2009
8:01 pm
November 20, 2009
8:32 pm
GTA games always have something extremely annoying. In Vice City it was that stupid ‘demolition man’ mission, in GTA4 it is the last mission existing of three missions. No save game in between, no.
Just drive around the whole *** town for the n-th time. Shoot those *** sitting ducks for the n-th time. Run for a *** bike for the n-th time. Drive up a *** ramp for the n-th time. Mission failed for the n-th time. “Better luck next time player, if you have another hour left! Maybe next time!”
Forget about the last mission that won’t bring you anything? Just drive around? Nope. You will get bugged and bugged and bugged to come over to play your final mission. So GTA-IV is back in its box for several months now.